A Portrait for Rukia
by LightInTheCauldron
Summary: Ichigo and Rukia are out vacationing in Tokyo when she sees a painting that she simply must have. Now, how does Ichigo get this enormous thing across the city and then all the way back to Karakura unscathed? Oneshot. Please offer feedback.


I do not own Bleach, that is why this is Fanfiction. Is this even a rule, I never saw it in the TOS but we all do it... meh. Just read!

* * *

Ichigo's eyes burned as he stared the monstrosity before him; a seven foot by five foot painting of a rabbit. The sky was a horrendous purple mixed with greens and yellows blending in a pattern no human should ever see. Past that there were great red mountain ranges that seemed to be bleeding and burning at once over sloppy brushwork. The grass in the field in which the rabbit sat was a mix of green, purple and a florescent blue. Rocks stuck out from the field like pimples and looked about the same. And then there was the bunny; a great white blob with a face scratched onto it and appeared to be made from cocaine and not paint. As a painting it looked more like a bad acid trip than art. Staring at it long enough could cause a seizure. But Rukia just _had_ to have this, this _thing_. Not because it was an undiscovered masterpiece by a starving artist, and not because she had a taste for modern art, but because it was a rabbit. And it was not just any rabbit, mind you. It was _Chappy_ the Rabbit. Rukia's favorite.

"No," was all that Ichigo said while the tiny girl next to him stared with pouting eyes, trying to manipulate him. It wasn't going to work.

"Please," Rukia whined like a child, forcing tears from the back of her eyes to make them sparkle just a _little_ bit more. The answer was the same. There was no way in hell that thing was coming home with the two Soul Reapers. They had been ordered to Tokyo to hunt down a powerful hollow that the Stealth Force had discovered. Shortly after arriving, they found the spirit stuck in a drain pipe and was quickly finished with. For something as powerful as their briefing said, it sure was stupid. But since the job was done so quickly, they decided to make a vacation out of it. And now Ichigo was feeling about as stupid as that hollow as he stared at the Chappy painting with a tiny girl throwing a tantrum beside him.

"You never do anything for me," she said fake crying as passersby stared.

"I give you a home, food and teach you how to act _normal_. Oh, and let's not forget that I also saved you from getting crucified and gutted. Yeah, I don't do anything for you." Ichigo coldly replied.

"You're not being fair! And you're hardly being nice about it!" she shouted while pounding on his chest with painless slaps.

"Where would we put the damn thing anyway, hm?" he snapped.

"I was thinking about putting it on a wall in my room," she answered, without fussing.

"Yeah. Your room is my closet. And that thing is not going in _my_ room, even if it _is_ just a closet!" he said sternly. They continued to argue for several minutes about why it's not _that_ ugly, who would see it, and how it's a statement of character and several other reasons to own such a portrait. But no matter what she said, he always had a perfectly rational reason to leave it in the store's window.

* * *

Ichigo entered the store with a squatting walk and a great deal of pain. Rukia had just "persuaded" him to buy the painting. Using his unique strut, he approached the flamboyant dealer about the Chappy portrait. It shouldn't be that big of a deal. It's ugly, it can't cost that much, right?

"Nine-hundred dollars?" Ichigo screamed in disbelief, his mouth hanging slack.

"Well, this is quite a rare find," the dealer began. "The artist was a Buddhist monk with no feet. He crawled across Japan in protest of the current state of globalization. When that went unnoticed he took a well known character and put it in this dire situation in a protest against the Americans' involvement in Iraq after learning the finer points of globalization from a keen business man. Yes indeed, this is quite a rare painting."

Yeah right. _This_ guy probably made it and just wants some money so he can buy more blow, or whatever he happens to do to create such _wonderful_ works of art. Ichigo looked out the window were Rukia made a kicking gesture and pointed at him. He sighed and pulled out his wallet.

"Do you take MasterCard?" he asked.

"Only Visa, checks, or cash." the dealer replied quickly.

Ichigo grumbled and wrote out a check for the unreasonable amount of money.

* * *

The orange haired teen stumbled out of the art dealer's with the painting as Rukia jumped and clapped in uncontrolled happiness. Ichigo became stuck in the doorway for a few seconds as he tried to figure out how to get this awkward picture through the entrance without destroying it. After turning it on its side and squeezing out, he nearly tripped and fell into the street where poor Chappy would have been smashed by a taxi. Recovering from the fall, Ichigo presented his purchase to the ecstatic raven haired girl.

"Oh thank you so much!" she shouted while dancing around the taller Soul Reaper. "I can't wait to put it up; it'll look _so_ nice, thank you, thank you, _thank you_!" Rukia continued her show and ended by giving her companion a small peck on the cheek as he tried to forget the fact that he had just spent most of his money on this awful picture.

"So, we're off now? Ready to head back home?" Ichigo said, his brain still processing what he had done.

"Come on! How often do we get to have fun? I wanna experience the city! See the bums and the street performers and those guys in the subway that cram everyone into it that I see on TV all the time!" she said in rapid succession.

Ichigo blinked a few times. "So I have to carry this thing around all day?"

"Oh it can't be that much. Let's go find a place for lunch!" she said cheerfully. The other reaper only sighed and rebalanced the art in his arms, making sure he didn't accidentally scratch the frame, or bump into other pedestrians, or get it wet…

* * *

They found a quaint sushi bar after a few blocks of walking and dodging any potential harm to Chappy. Rukia thought it would be a nice change of pace, since she hadn't had it since she was in the Soul Society before the execution incident. Ichigo knew better than to mention that she had eaten it plenty times afterwards at Urahara's shop at various get-togethers, seeing as he didn't want to spoil her mood and get hurt. After complaining about the price on the menu outside, he succumbed to her pleading and they went in. Ichigo looked at Rukia, violet eyes shining up at him, sitting in the booth and back at the painting.

"Where the hell am I supposed to put this?" he queried. Rukia shrugged, as if she didn't really care about the picture. That better not be the case. Not after nine-hundred dollars. Ichigo placed it in the seat opposite his vertically challenged companion and proceeded to sit beside her.

"Uh, what are you doing?" she asked, evil in her voice.

"Sitting," he replied.

"Yeah? And you're just going to leave that poor bunny by itself over there? What if something spills? Who'll catch it?" she said, her face the same way it was before she kicked him earlier. He sighed and had a seat next to the painting. Well, as much of a seat as he could get with the monstrosity hogging nearly the entire bench.

"Happy now?"

"Quite. And now don't _you_ spill anything on him! One drop of juice and he'll die!"

Ichigo smacked his forehead as he stood once more and made his way to get lunch for the two of them. Three if one had counted the rabbit that Rukia was so obsessed with. Upon returning with the raw fish, he found Rukia staring at the painting as if it were a lover she had not seen in years. Ichigo's eyes still hurt from looking at the portrait's clashing colors, how could she not be bothered by it? Maybe it was the lighting.

"Here's your lunch," he said blatantly while tossing a plate and water bottle in front of the spaced out girl. She came back to reality.

"What, you didn't get any sake?" she said frowning at the water bottle.

"Um, I'm a minor! I'm too young to buy or drink that stuff, and you are too," he snapped at her.

"You know I'm…" she started but was cut off.

"Yeah, yeah, old enough to have lived about forty of my lifetimes, I know. But _they_ don't. And if you start going on about it, they'll come and take you away to the nut house, stick a needle in your ass and you'll spend everyday with a goofy smile on your face while drooling," he said while sitting back down next to the painting. Rukia started eating but soon paused.

"Why would nuts need to live in a house? I thought they grew outside?" she asked.

* * *

After spending the next fifteen minutes explaining to Rukia what an asylum was, Ichigo was about ready to walk out. For how expensive the restaurant was, it wasn't as good as he had hoped. The fish was dry, rather bland and quite chewy. He was also eager to get away without having to wash dishes to pay off the bill.

"I'll pay for lunch," Rukia suddenly said.

"What, you actually have money? How? You don't have a job other than being a death god," he said, still wondering how many dishes he would need to clean as he ran a hand through his orange hair.

"I have connections," was her only reply. The bill, which was close to one-hundred dollars, was easily paid off in a wad of cash from the girl's purse. Again, Ichigo wondered where the hell she got the money, and figured Urahara had something to do with it. It was either that or she was secretly selling drugs to their peers at school.

"Well I figured I'd be nice, since you did spend so much on the painting, it's the least I can do," she said. Ichigo thought about that. No. The least she could do was get her own apartment, or room with someone else so the endless questions he got about what they do together in the same bedroom would stop.

Ichigo stood and headed towards the exit but was hit in the back of the head by the short, raven haired girl. He looked down at her to find her pointing to the picture had "forgotten". Damn.

* * *

As the two Soul Reapers walked through the city, they noticed that the sky was looking more and more like rain. Since it was warm out, it could also mean a thunderstorm, which mean a _lot_ of rain and a lot of running paint. The orange haired reaper went into a convenience store while his partner watched the painting outside as it was too big to maneuver through the small isles. A few minutes later, Ichigo returned with a box of garbage bags.

"Here, help me put these around poor old Chappy," he said. Rukia glared menacingly at him.

"No, we're not throwing him out! How dare you!" she shouted.

Ichigo's eyes twitched. "It's to keep it dry, midget."

"Oh, so you're not going to leave it in the alley or in a dumpster?" she asked innocently.

"Not after nine-hundred freaking dollars!" he said while pulling out some of the bags and wedging them over the frame. Just in time too, a clap of thunder echoed over the city as the storm approached. Paying no mind to the weather, the two continued their exploration of Tokyo. Soon they encountered an arcade featuring a version of _Dance, Dance Revolution_ outside. Since the rain had not yet come, Rukia wanted to play.

"And how am I supposed to do that? Balance the art on my head?" Ichigo said as the small girl put a token in the game. She smirked, implying a 'yes'. The game started, and in those short seconds, Rukia was already winning while her spiky headed friend was struggling to see the arrows on the screen from behind the large, trash bag covered rectangle he held. Dancing with it (if you can call a video game that uses only four directions dancing) was even harder. He nearly hit the heads of those behind him, waiting for their turn, but never once got near Rukia, her tiny frame having the best advantage in the moment.

After Ichigo was beaten by a massive number of points, they decided that it would be best to prepare for the long ride home since it was starting to rain heavily. They arrived at bus station and purchased two one-way tickets back to Karakura. The terminal was a dump with garbage thrown about and homeless people sleeping around it. Their bus arrived quickly and the two were soon riding home.

"Thank you, Ichigo, not just for that painting but the whole thing," she said sleepily while staring out the filthy window at the rainy landscape.

"Yeah, don't mention it," he replied, his legs tucked up near his head so he had room for that damn Chappy portrait.

"So," she started mischievously, "how does it feel to have your ass kicked at video games by a girl three feet shorter than you?"

Ichigo only mumbled; he could care less about that. He was more concerned now about his knees locking up.

"Oh come on, tell me," she said slyly. "Or else…"

Uh oh.

"Or else, I'll tell everyone we know about that super secret thing you do every night," she concluded. Ichigo mumbled again, and then froze in horror. Just where was she taking this?

"What the hell are you talking about…" he started, acting as if he hadn't the damndest idea what.

"Oh you know."

"Uh, just what the hell is wrong you?! Why would you watch…_that_…anyway?"

"I heard you groaning one night and your spiritual pressure was a little odd, so I thought maybe you were having a nightmare or were being attacked by a hollow. So I peeked through the closet and, well, saw everything," she said with a very, _very_, evil grin.

"Okay, this isn't about the game, is it?" he replied.

"Nope. Just making sure you know that I can always get back at you if this doesn't go right up on the wall," she said, pointing to the artwork, still in its protective bags. Touché.

"Fine…" he sighed. Ichigo looked around the crowded bus. A few eyes were looking at him with disgust, their owners apparently hearing everything. He sulked as much as he could without damaging the portrait.

* * *

The bus arrived at Karakura at three in the morning. Rukia had slept most the time, her left cheek a little grimy from rubbing against the dirty window. The weather had cleared and the early morning sky was breathtaking. As they walked towards home, a familiar voice called out to them.

"Hey, Ichigo!" Urahara Kisuke shouted loudly as they passed his store. Great, just who Ichigo wanted to see. He came running up to them in pajamas and without his signature hat.

"Mr. Hat and Clogs, what are you doing up so early…" he started.

"Looking for UFOs," he said with a smirk. "The truth is out there you know. What's in the bag?"

"A gift for Rukia that I got in Tokyo," he replied as nonchalantly as possible.

"Oh, I see," Kisuke winked. "What a nice gentleman he is Miss Kuchiki Rukia."

"Yeah. Hey, can I use your bathroom? I don't think I can make it all the way to Ichigo's," she said.

"Go right ahead, but don't touch the metallic cylinder in the middle of my living room. New experiment." He shouted to the girl as she ran into what was both his home and business.

"Okay let's see it." Kisuke continued, "Let's take a look at what you got her."

Ichigo unwrapped the painting and the former captain began rolling on the ground with laughter.

"Oh gods, what in the world _is_ that?" he said between fits of mirth.

"It's a nine-hundred dollar painting of Chappy the Rabbit. It's supposedly a protest against America's war in Iraq…" he said, frowning at the older man. Kisuke regained his strength and stood up, looking at the picture.

"Nine-hundred dollaridoos? Wow!" he said. "I _swear_ I've seen it before though."

"It's supposed to be really rare, I doubt that. Unless…" Ichigo said, "You didn't happen to paint this piece of shit, did you?"

Urahara shook his head. "No, but I know I've seen it, right here in town too. Tell ya what, go home with Rukia and I'll look it up. I'll call ya' when I find some info."

"Sure, why not," Ichigo concluded as Rukia once again joined him and they headed home.

* * *

It was noon by the time Ichigo and Rukia finally awoken. And to keep his dignity, the orange haired reaper started to hang up his friend's terrifyingly ugly painting on _his_ bedroom wall. Oh well, he'd get used to it. He'd gotten used to a _lot_ since he met Rukia.

As the two looked at it, making sure it was straight; Isshin sprang into the room, shouting his son's name, ready to attack. However, when he saw the Chappy painting, he immediately seized. Karin soon came up to see what the matter was.

"Great, Yuzu," she shouted downstairs casually, "Dad's having a seizure, help me get him to the clinic." Soon the two girls were removing the shaking man to treat him. Those colors really _were_ that bad! A few seconds later, the phone rang.

"Ichigo," Kisuke said on the other end, "I found out about that picture you got. I think you should sit down for this."

Ichigo did while Rukia admired said art. "Okay, what'd you find out?"

"Well, I found out that it's a reprint from an amateur artist who lives right here in Karakura…"

Ichigo's mouth dropped.

"And, well, this is gonna be hard but, what you have is _not _the original..."

Ichigo was now red.

"And to top it all off, they sell that same painting at the flea market downtown for about ten bucks."

Ichigo was going to have a stroke. He slammed the phone down and ripped the portrait from the wall.

"What the hell?" Rukia protested.

"It's a fake! I paid nine-hundred dollars for _this_ and they sell them right down the road for only ten! Ah!" he shouted and fell to his bed, his blood pressure exorbitant.

"How dare you buy me a fake painting!" Rukia shouted before taking it and smashing it over Ichigo's head. She proceeded to exit the bedroom fuming. "I never really liked it that much anyway!" she said from the hall.

Great. Now he was down almost a thousand dollars, his chest hurt, and so did his head and the painting he got ripped off with was in ruins (if a painting of this nature being destroyed can be considered 'ruined' and not 'enhanced'). Ichigo sighed, "Women…"


End file.
